Monday, January 19, 2009

How to Chat Up a Boy and Get Laid

You see him. He's fucking hot. He makes you feel horny and scared at the same time. Your mouth goes dry. You take a drink, you muster your courage, and you go up to him. You say hello and ask him how he is. (Who needs pickup lines?) You exchange names. You ask him what he does. You talk in terms of his interests. You ask a lot of questions. You talk about yourself only when you have something in common. The conversation flows. He feels important. You don't have to ask about his hobbies for a long time. You're so in, man.

What if he doesn't want to talk? Well, move on, motherfucker. He's not interested. Don't take it personally. Some guys have things on their mind. Some have major problems. Some are just fucking weird. Some have the worst taste in men. Some are fucking slut whores looking for sex without conversation. Some are hurting and itching from STDs. It's not always about you, jerkoff. Get over yourself! Find the next fucking hot wanker who gives you a woody.

So you get a beautiful boy talking. You focus on his world. You don't get to hobbies for a long time. That's a good fucking sign. Conversation's an art, man. You work on it everyday. It pays off bigtime in your sex life. Time melts away. You guys talk for an hour --or maybe even two! You take his hand and ask him if he wants his fortune told. No one refuses. (What a slick motherfucker!) You don't know a lot about palmistry, but no matter. A little goes a long fucking way.

Now you go in for the kill. You suggest a walk. You guys go to some place secluded. You talk a little more. You hold hands, caress his back, whatever. You've done everything right. The first kiss is magnetic. It just seems to happen, but you only got close to him. You make it look like his idea, or a mutual one. All the while, you're in the driver's seat. You see, the snake beguiled him.

How far do you go on the first date? Do you just kiss? Do you feel each other up? Do you suck each other? Do you jack off together? Do you say the hell with it and fuck yourselves silly?

News flash: It really doesn't fucking matter. You do what you feel like. There're plenty of couples who fucked on the first date, and there're plenty who didn't. They're all together, because they're just so into each other. It has nothing to do with scoring base hits or home runs. All those first date questions are quaint, obsolete, old-fashioned. This is sex in the postmodern world.

You do what you feel like. You have a good time. You use flavored condoms. (The Coca-Cola ones are dick-licking good!) If something's not right, or you feel uncomfortable, you stop. You're the man. You're in control. You're supposed to enjoy fooling around.

You end on a good note. You don't act like an asshole. You still talk to the guy. You exchange cell numbers, because you never know. You might never see him again, but you maintain your drama-free zone by separating on good terms. Better yet, you might have found a good-time boy --that is, a friend with privileges-- or you might have a boyfriend on your hands. (They seem to come out of nowhere when you least expect them.) It depends on the chemistry and what you're both looking for.

Above all, you hit the showers after fooling around. You don't want a gift that keeps on giving. All tension goes down the drain. You're clean and satisfied. You're a fucking god. You smile when you look in the mirror. Great game, man!

Photo Credits:
Fully Clothed Kiss 1 -- Owen & Billy, Sean Cody 
     (Owen is on the right);
Talking Boys 2 -- Devin & Owen, Sean Cody (Devin is on the right);
Shirtless Kiss 3 -- Cooper & Owen, Sean Cody (Cooper is on the left);
Football Jock Play 4 -- Brent & Xander, Randy Blue (Brent is on the
Naked Kiss 5 -- Trey & Ken, Sean Cody (Trey is on the left);
Kitchen Fuck 6 -- Danny & Billy, Sean Cody (Danny is topping).

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