Saturday, October 10, 2009

Fucking Talk Like a Man!

A hot, naked motherfucker talks on his cell. He looks as if he had just showered and toweled off when he got the phone call. We imagine the call was a little long, and he knelt down, because he got tired of standing. This popular Internet image conveys the importance of voice timbre in a man's life. It is attributed to Sambag's Blog of

There's nothing that gives me a hard-on faster than a deep, resonant, masculine voice. I mean, a low voice can trump everything. A guy can be just a skinny-ass motherfucker with no muscle whatsoever, but if he has the voice of a man's man, I so want to start French-kissing him and fondling his package.

I was not so blessed in the speech department. I had a high, whinny, nasally voice that turned people off. It was so bad, everyone thought I was a girl on the phone! Then, I took up singing to mellow things out, but that only improved things a little bit.

Fortunately, I found the book Freeing the Natural Voice (1976) by Kristin Linklater (New York: Drama, ISBN 0-89676-071-5). I knew the Seventies were good for something besides disco music! The book is full of wild and weird exercises designed to help us discover more relaxed and more beautiful ways of acting, singing, and speaking. Classics include rolling your head while saying "hey" several times (96), chanting vowel sounds with your head tilted all the back (79-81), and singing Billy Button bought a bunch of beautiful bananas, as if you're musically walking up and down a staircase one time (159-160).

I like to work with a piano or electronic keyboard to see how low my voice can go. Also, the voice exercises with head tilted back are especially good for guys, because they stretch the throat muscles and help us develop those hot, deep, manly voices we all love.

Linklater's book almost implodes from all the Yoga relaxation techniques. (I told you it was a Seventies thing.) However, relaxing really is key. It takes some practice to undo years of stress and tension, which lead to higher, more defensive and annoying voice habits.

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of Freeing the Natural Voice is Linklater's attitude about projection. I grew up in a time when schools produced numerous plays without aid of microphones. From First Grade, we were taught to project our voices to the back of the auditorium, but Linklater cautions against voice strain during projection, which drains emotion from an acting performance. Again, we have to find more relaxed ways of filling auditoriums with our voices.

Everyday, I try to do a different voice exercise sequence from Linklater's book, and it's paying off big time. People treat you better, you become more popular, and you get more propositions. It's just like putting on muscle from periodization workouts at the gym. Now with deeper and hotter voices, we can talk our way to bed as well. Okay guys, get the book, work those voices out, and screw everything that moves!