Friday, April 2, 2010

Facebook All American Guys Bans Blogger

Model Anthony C is the cover boy for Facebook AAG The beefcake company apparently has a low tolerance for humorous gay comments, even though it sells artistic and stripper nude images of athletic young men. AAG bizarrely maintains a puritanically heterosexual corporate image, in spite of its gay subscribers.

Well, it happened. Your boy Juan Sebastián got banned! Facebook AAG - unceremoniously stripped me of my commenting privileges. This is a riot! My gay humor finally pissed someone off!

What the fuck got me blackballed? God knows. The prissy wankers ain't talking. So, let's have a blast reminiscing. Of course, I'll have to reconstruct my comments. AAG erased everything I ever posted. (I no longer fucking exist there.)

AAG launched their Junior Muscle Guys campaign in early February, and I had a lot to say about it. In the promotional video, the guys hilariously twitch their pecs around police cars and a fog machine for no apparent reason! Check it out.

I started with a mild popular culture comment:

Did you know Bewitched! actually has an episode about twitching pecs? Some bodybuilders are twitching their pecs at Darrin's office, and Larry doesn't quite know what to say.

Then, I really went to town:

What's with the police cars? Are the guys getting arrested for being hot? Love the double entendre comment, "We go in." Hey AAG, you forgot the question mark on "Are you prepared to experience it?" Oh well, I guess we're all supposed to be dumb jocks who can't write.

Later, I asked a sincere question:

Is there a height requirement for the Junior Muscle Guys? How short do they have to be? Seriously, I'd like to know.

I was asking a serious question --honest! I wasn't making fun of them this time. I love, love short guys. They can do any position!

Anyway, AAG ran a photo shoot of their men posing with female models in late February. (What? No gay pictures?) Here's one of the best shots:

Since a lot of gay guys comment on the Facebook site, I just couldn't let that go. I hit it with a funny but very common reaction:

Ditch the bitch and make the switch!

Later, I wrote this about the male/female model pictures:

Is this AAG's way of telling us to "get straight." I wonder what would happen if we told them to "get gay"?

Well, wonder no more. They banned my butt! I'll be the first to admit I'm a snarky, smart-ass son of a bitch. My friends love me for that. They wouldn't have me any other way. Correcting grammar and questioning compulsory heterosexuality can get you in trouble, but then again, my statements were mild compared to the other Facebook comments. I mean, there're dudes who write, "Oh, fuck me," and AAG puts up with it!

They say you haven't made it in comedy until you make someone mad. Well, I've managed to piss off an entire beefcake company! Maybe it was the lethal combination of humor and homosexuality. I guess we faggots can be gay and we can be funny --but not at the same time! Then again, AAG wouldn't be the first company that was inconsistent in their "discipline."

What makes this funny is that AAG is such a fucking anachronism! They tell everyone that girls love their website, but last time I checked, AAG wasn't turning down any gay money. Of course, we can't say that out loud! We wouldn't want to upset AAG's straight image. Huh? This is 2010, dickheads. I mean, VH1, Bravo, Calvin Klein, Dolce & Gabbana, Abercrombie & Fitch, and other companies have made zillions of dollars openly peddling gay themes.

If you guys want to have some fun, ask Facebook AAG - what their deal is with your boy Juan Sebastián --and crack a joke, while you're at it. You might want to ask them why they suck gay guys' wallets in the dark. (They love the 50s.) You could ask them how many of their models are butchy queers and switch hitters.  (Hello! Male modelling is gay in more ways than one.) You may even wonder how many of them fuck female ass. (Birth control never felt so good.)

I actually wear the Facebook AAG - ban with pride. They're trying to silence me, but a ban will never work. It'll actually generate publicity. It'll make readers wonder what all the fuss is about.  It'll make Masculine Gay Guys look cool, edgy, interesting, provocative, and controversial. It'll also be a great story to tell on dates. Yes! I'm going to get so much tail!

Photo Credits:
Cross 1 -- Anthony C, alias Anthony Michael Cadrecha,
     by Michael A. Downs for All American Guys;
Video 2 -- Junior Muscle Guys;
Girl and Guy 3 -- Melissa and Michel Wyatt
     by Michael A. Downs for All American Guys;
Green Underwear 4 -- Anthony Green
     by Michael A. Downs for All American Guys;
 Black Underwear 5 -- Nick Bennett
     by Michael A. Downs for All American Guys;
Bed Nude 6 -- Brock Yurich
     by Michael A. Downs for All American Guys.