Jacking Off is So Fucking Good for You

We call it beating off, beating your meat, choking your chicken, jacking off, jerking off, paying a visit to Rosy Palm, playing pocket pool, playing with yourself, pulling your pud, rubbing one out, spanking the monkey, wanking off, whacking off, and God knows what else. There are literally hundreds of euphemisms. Most are lesser known, but the hilarious ones include cleaning your gun, electing the President, and hosing down the driveway.

Whatever you call it, self-gratification is good and healthy for guys. Some men know this instinctively, but for others, this is news. The guilt associated with masturbation comes in part from conservative, anti-sexual religions, which include Catholicism, Zoroastrianism, Orthodox Judaism, and Eastern Orthodox Christianity.

Islam is also generally hostile towards masturbation, but there's a funny exception: If an act of self-gratification prevents a man from committing extramarital sex, then in some cases, it's allowed. What do you call a Muslim circle jerk? An anti-adultery club! Buddhism similarly debates masturbation; it depends on the interpretation of what's called sexual misconduct.

Taoists curiously warn that masturbation can lower a man's energy level, while intercourse with females does not. Protestant churches run the gamut. Some denominations, like Mormonism and Adventism, specifically prohibit the habit, while others are quietly unconcerned or even openly tolerant. Religious approval of wanking can also be found in Wicca, Hinduism, plus Reform and Reconstructionist Judaism.

I initially felt guilty, when I started whacking off at 13, but I did it so much, and it felt so good, that I soon accepted it as normal, and no longer suffered from any negative feelings about it. One day, when I was 14, my father told me he wanted to talk to me about an issue, and that issue was masturbation. He said he hoped I didn't get into that, because it drained a fluid I needed to grow my muscles while lifting weights.

I simply said, "Okay," to put a merciful end to this mortifying "advice." I didn't know if I was more appalled at my dad's sexual ignorance or the fact that he had brought up such a personal topic. My father had never talked to me about sex before. My mom was the one who had explained the birds and the bees to me --back when I was in Fifth Grade!

To give the Devil his due, hostility towards self-gratification, in addition to religion, comes from obsolete medical advice. Samuel-Auguste Tissot, a Swiss physician, warned in his 1760 treatise L'Oninisme that masturbation drained an "essential oil" from the male body and reduced strength, among other problems. Also, for generations, some American coaches have warned male players not to masturbate or have sex the night before a game.

There's something to this, but not in the way Tissot, my father, and the coaches imagined. It's largely a personal matter. Ejaculation temporarily saps the strength of some athletes, while it merely relaxes others. I don't splooge the night before I max out at the gym, because I want to maintain my strength, but that's just me. I can still jack off or have sex. I just don't blow my load, but every guy is different. The best rule is this: Know thy body.

Speaking is being relaxed, jerking off is a stress reliever. It's great to spew after a bad day. It also takes care of stress from within. Sometimes, we guys get so horny, we can't wait for our partner. We've just got to splooge right fucking now. It even acts as a natural sedative. Rubbing one out helps you fall asleep.

Masturbation is a fertility enhancer, as well. How so? Step 1: Enjoy beating off to get rid of old, weak sperm. Step 2: Produce new, strong, healthy sperm, while recharging. Step 3: Impregnate a female. What does this have to do with masculine gay guys? Well, some of us want to be fathers someday. So, we make donations at the sperm bank, or we interview lesbians looking for donors.

For those who find artificial insemination cold and overpriced, there's always natural insemination, or having sex with a female the old fashioned way. Yes, you have to put your homosexuality on hold for a few nights, but it makes for a more personal memory of conceiving your kid.

Wanking even boosts the immune system. Pleasuring yourself actually raises the level of the hormone cortisol and increases the amount of some types of white blood cells. These changes help the body fight disease and infection.

Masturbation is also an interesting topic in studies of serious illness. Stroking your shaft more frequently does slow down heart disease, but the jury is still out on its relationship to prostate cancer. Researchers found that some men who jack off a lot in their 20s and 50s seem to have a lower risk of cancer, but frequent self-gratification among other men in their 20s and 30s suggested a higher risk. Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), which increase cancer risk, may account for the contradiction.

Finally, rod rubbing helps guys learn to become better lovers. By jerking off until just before they reach the point of inevitability, they learn how to postpone blowing their load. Yes, this edging technique makes a man out of you. Rubbing piss on your pole before showering also gives you control of the clock. You can fuck as long as you want and cum exactly when you feel like it.

The ancients took masturbation in stride, as well as sex in general. The Sumerians believed that dancing with yourself made you more potent. The ancient Egyptians took it a step further by incorporating divine masturbation into their religion. In the Kama Sutra, the Hindus wrote self-gratification instructions. The Greeks also regarded beating off as completely normal.

All guys should listen to the ancients, recognize the benefits, and throw off the chains of discredited medical and religious prohibitions. Ejecting semen is a gift we should frequently give ourselves. It improves our health, makes us better lovers, and enhances our manliness. It's something that should be celebrated. In the immortal words of sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer, "Happy masturbating!"

Photo Credits:
White Room 1 -- Nathan Wessel by David Vance;
Red and Gold Comforter 2 -- Tyler of Fratmen;
Weightlifter 3 -- Publicity Shot of Wally (Tony Dow) from
     Leave It to Beaver (1957-63);
Standing 4 -- Jeremy of Sean Cody;
Chair 5 -- Ron of Sean Cody;
Black Studio 6 -- Nick Adams (1996) by Ron Lloyd of
      Legend Men and Body Image Productions;
Floor 7 -- Gabriel of Sean Cody;
Rock 8 -- Collin of Fratmen;
Money Shot 9 -- Darius of Sean Cody.