How to Become a Muscular Motherfucker

The gym is my second home. That's no surprise. I used to be way too skinny. I weighed 140 pounds soaking wet. So, naturally I wanted to bulk up. I dreamed of having big guns, big legs, a big ass, but most of all, a big fucking chest. I have lusted for big guys' chests since middle school.

I used free weights, Nautilus machines, and endured the asinine debate about which was better. The answer was: neither. It was the routine, you stupid dumb fucks, not the equipment. I even went through Body for Life by that fake-ass bitch Bill Phillips. What a goddamn disappointment! I got a little more toned from the challenge, but I was still stuck with the same problem: I was a hard gainer.

Then, I read about periodization in the November 2004 Muscle & Fitness article "Bare Arms" by John Cena -- yes, the John Cena, the professional wrestler John Cena, the hot motherfucker John Cena. He recommended periodization --generally, workout variation-- as the way to go. I had to learn more.

I found a periodization bible: Serious Strength Training by Tudor O. Bompa, Mauro di Pasquale, and Lorenzo J. Cornacchia (Champaign IL: Human Kinetics, 2003, ISBN 0-7360-4266-0). I consulted it religiously. Over time, I came up with a year-long litany of varying routines to get fucking big. Nothing was sacred. I began to constantly change reps, sets, weights, and exercises --and hallelujah, hallelujah, it fucking worked!

I began to get ripped, man, but I learned something along the way. The sample routines in the book were recipes for overtraining, in my case. When I cut back on my training --boom!-- my muscles really started to fucking grow. Every gym rat responds differently, but for me, less is more.

Periodization fucking rocks, because it fools the body into bulking up. The muscles never adapt to the point of shutting down growth. Traditional gym routines eventually fail, because they're just the same thing over and over, and the body gets wise to that.

Now I have a thick chest, nice shoulders, big guns, a "V" torso, a large ass, and legs that can kill. I look like a filled-out motherfucker. I'll always be tall, and I'll never be as big as John Cena, but there's something hot about a tall slim guy who's put on some muscle. The proof is in the bedroom. I get more attention, I get more dates, and I get more sex. That's what it's all about, guys. Now you know. Get the book, hit the gym, put on mass --and get more fucking dick!

My Year-Long Hypertrophy (Muscle Mass) Program

Hypertrophy is pronounced hi-PURR-tro-fee. For years, I mispronounced it to myself, until quite by accident, I realized my mistake. The word is peculiar to athletic and scientific circles.

Anyway, find out the 1-rep maximum of about 10 weight exercises and calculate the appropriate percentages each week. Lift the indicated repetitions and sets. Try increasing your 1-rep maxes by 5 pounds about every three weeks.

Anatomical Adaptation Phase 1

Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% max)
              15 reps x 2 sets @ 50% max
Week 2: 12 reps x 3 sets @ 60% max
Week 3: 10 reps x 3 sets @ 70% max

Long Hypertrophy Phase 1

Week 1:  Try increasing your 1-rep maxes by 5 pounds.
               (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
              10 reps x 3 sets @ 70% max
Week 2: 8+ reps x 2 sets @ 75% max (8+ = 8 or more reps)
Week 3: 10 reps x 3 sets @ 70% max

Week 4:  Try increasing your 1-rep maxes by 5 pounds.
               (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
               8+ reps x 2 sets @ 75% max (8+ = 8 or more reps)
Week 5:  7+ reps x 3 sets @ 80% max
Week 6:  4   reps x 5 sets @ 85% max

Transition Week 1 (One week off)

Long Hypertrophy Phase 2
Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
              10 reps x 3 sets @ 70% max
Week 2: 8+ reps x 2 sets @ 75% max
Week 3: 10 reps x 3 sets @ 70% max

Week 4:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
               8+ reps x 2 sets @ 75% max
Week 5:  7+ reps x 3 sets @ 80% max
Week 6:  4   reps x 5 sets @ 85% max

Transition Week 2 (One week off)

Short Mixed Phase 1 (Strength and Hypertrophy)
Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
                7 reps x 2 sets @ 80% max
              12 reps x 2 sets @ 60% max
Week 2:   3 reps x 2 sets @ 90% max
              10 reps x 2 sets @ 70% max
Week 3:   2 reps x 1 set  @ 95% max
                7 reps x 3 sets @ 80% max

Short Hypertrophy Phase 3

Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
               8+ reps x 2 sets @ 75% max
Week 2:  7+ reps x 3 sets @ 80% max
Week 3:  4   reps x 5 sets @ 85% max

Short Mixed Phase 2 (Strength and Hypertrophy)
Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
                7 reps x 2 sets @ 80% max
              12 reps x 2 sets @ 60% max
Week 2:   3 reps x 2 sets @ 90% max
              10 reps x 2 sets @ 70% max
Week 3:   2 reps x 1 set  @ 95% max
                7 reps x 3 sets @ 80% max

Transition Weeks 3-4 (Two weeks off)

After these two rest / transition weeks, use your old maxes from the previous training phase. Do not increase them. This prevents injuries.

Anatomical Adaptation Phase 2
Week 1: (1-rep x 1 set @ 100% previous max)
              15 reps x 2 sets @ 50% max
Week 2: 12 reps x 3 sets @ 60% max
Week 3: 10 reps x 3 sets @ 70% max

Long Hypertrophy Phase 4
Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
              10 reps x 3 sets @ 70% max
Week 2: 8+ reps x 2 sets @ 75% max
Week 3: 10 reps x 3 sets @ 70% max

Week 4:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
               8+ reps x 2 sets @ 75% max
Week 5:  7+ reps x 3 sets @ 80% max
Week 6:  4   reps x 5 sets @ 85% max

Transition Week 5 (One week off)

Short Mixed Phase 3 (Strength and Hypertrophy)
Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
                7 reps x 2 sets @ 80% max
              12 reps x 2 sets @ 60% max
Week 2:   3 reps x 2 sets @ 90% max
              10 reps x 2 sets @ 70% max
Week 3:   2 reps x 1 set  @ 95% max
                7 reps x 3 sets @ 80% max

Short Hypertrophy Phase 5
Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
               8+ reps x 2 sets @ 75% max
Week 2:  7+ reps x 3 sets @ 80% max
Week 3:  4   reps x 5 sets @ 85% max

Long Mixed Phase 4 (Strength and Hypertrophy)

Week 1:  (1 rep x 1 set @ 100% new max)
                7 reps x 2 sets @ 80% max
              12 reps x 2 sets @ 60% max
Week 2:   3 reps x 2 sets @ 90% max
              10 reps x 2 sets @ 70% max
Week 3:   3 reps x 2 sets @ 80% max
              12 reps x 2 sets @ 60% max
Week 4:   2 reps x 1 set  @ 95% max
                7 reps x 3 sets @ 80% max

Transition Weeks 6-9 (Four weeks off)

Repeat year's routine. After the long, four-week layoff, for the next Anatomical Adaptation Phase 1, use your old maxes from the previous training phase or even lesser maxes. This prevents injuries.

This calendar constantly varies reps, sets, and weights. To vary workout length, do an extra set for about 5 exercises you want to emphasize during the Mixed Phases and two extra sets for the same 5 or so exercises during the Hypertrophy Phases.

This program also simplifies the convoluted details of the sample workouts found in Serious Strength Training. Our routine adopts a consistent max percentage for each week, differentiates the hypertrophy and maximum strength parts of the Mixed Phases, and strengthens the inverse relationship between reps and weights, that is, more reps for lighter weights and fewer reps for heavier weights.

Photo Credits:
Gym Stud 1 -- Unknown origin;
John Cena 2 -- World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE);
Serious Strength Training 3 -- Champaign IL: Human Kinetics, 2003;
Anthony C 4 -- Michael A. Downs for All American Guys;
Park Stripper 5 -- Unknown origin. 

Text © 2008 Masculine Gay Guys

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