I was a Pre-Gay Boy Scout Who Played with Fire

The Boy Scouts are nothing but a bunch of sex-crazed pyromaniacs. I should know. I used to be a member of that venerable group.

Whenever teen aged boys get together, sex is a paramount subject --gay and straight. I was a Boy Scout, when anything gay was taboo --during the day, that was. Once, when I was in Seventh Grade, a boy named Chris wanted to be my tent mate, which I thought was strange, since we sometimes didn't get along. He was one of those hyperactive kids strung out on medicine.

During the camping trip, when we entered the tent to sleep, Chris undressed while laying on his sleeping bag, started jacking off his dick, and announced to me, "I'm going to ejaculate tonight!" I asked him if he'd ever spewed before, and he said no. I was surprised, since I had already sexually matured.

I had my first ejaculation the night after going to a horror movie. I was already 13, and I was laying in bed with a hard-on thinking about cute guys having sex with girls. Yes, I was an imaginary voyeur. Suddenly, I felt something strange shoot out of my dick. I went to the bathroom to look at myself, and sure enough, it was gooey semen. The horror flick had scared me into becoming a man.

Anyway, I spent that camping trip night fighting off Chris. I didn't dare do anything with him, since he was a such a blabbermouth. Once, I commented that the moon was out, and to get a break, I suggested Chris moon the moon. He thought it was a great idea. He laughed and showed his butt to the moon so enthusiastically. He was such a temporary fag.

The next morning, the other guys asked if Chris had paraded naked in front of me last night. Chris, of course, had no filter. I shrugged and said, "You know how crazy he is." They seemed satisfied with that answer, and they never mentioned it again. Whew! Dodged that bullet.

Speaking of hyperactive, we had a pair of red-headed twins in our troop, who would tease others incessantly. They were my age, and they'd tried to tease me, but had learned they couldn't get to me, because I'd always laugh. They were funny, and in this case, laughter turned out to be my greatest defense.

An older boy named Gary wasn't so lucky. Gary had had a minor accident while driving his car. So, the twins started spreading the rumor that Gary had damaged his bumper while kissing a boy. They even taunted him by calling him Gair-Gair-Fair-Fair.

In spite of being older, Gary made the mistake of getting mad, which encouraged the twins all the more. They began to use a litany of insults. Fender bender was shorthand for the whole car affair. Butt-Butt was Gary's dog. His mother was a witch. Even singing the theme song from Bewitched was code. The fever spread. Salem became a pejorative. Gary's mother was said to be rude to company, because she wanted to be alone to cast spells. One kid commented that the crossed logs in the fire was a sign to keep witches away.

Once, one of the twins hid behind his tent, put his head into the screened back air vent, and started singing that jazzy, be-bop tune of Bewitched. Gary fell for the trick, thought the twin was inside, and entered the tent to beat him up. Gary got furious, when he realized he'd been had. Then, the twin taunted him with more Gair-Gair-Fair-Fair insults. It was a marvel to watch a younger boy reverse bully an older one. Talk about overthrowing the pecking order.

There was a homoerotic joke the guys would play at camp. Say a boy named Mike was in his tent during the day. Another boy would stand at the entrance and act like Mike was sucking his dick by saying, "Oh yeah, Mike, oh yeah, that's right, ahhh..." Then, the boy would act as if Mike was getting too aggressive by exclaiming, "No, Mike, no, quit pulling. Stop! Here's your money!"

Even eating watermelon wasn't sacred. While eating a slice, some boys would mimic cunnilingus. They would lustily lash their tongues on the red part and suck the juice, as if it were poontang.

Speaking of role models, I adored the older boys, and I learned to appreciate all manner of male body types at lakes, swimming pools, and camp showers. There were slightly chubby guys, tall slim dudes, and, of course, thick-chested muscle boys --all with varying degrees of pubic hair. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be lucky enough to marry a Greek god. I've told my husband David he's the culmination of every guy I ever lusted for.

I don't think some parents would've appreciated what we were really learning in Boy Scouts, but then again, some might've just laughed. They were young once, and some have told many a personal fable to cover up past sins. After all, we were their sons in more ways than one.

Second to sex was fire antics. In those days, we would burn our trash, and the cans would get red hot. We would fish them out with a stick and throw water in them, which would fill the forest with big roars. We would laugh hysterically while doing this. Sometimes, the scoutmasters would get onto us about playing with the fire. We boys were practically Satan worshipers.

Man, you could sure tell who the smokers were. They could only sneak a smoke alone deep in the forest. They would take toilet paper and use the excuse that they had to do Number 2 in order to leave camp. Sometimes, back at camp, they would take a hollow, aluminum tent pole, fill it with fire smoke, and suck the smoke from the pole to get a minimal rush.

Against all odds, I actually finished my advancement and became an Eagle Scout, but the national organization's protracted war against gays made it a program I no longer recognized. Now, since the Boy Scouts are losing money hand over fist, they've thrown open the doors to what they once pejoratively referred to as the "three G's": girls, gays, and the godless.

I never understood the anti-gay sentiment, because there were many pre-gay and temporary gay boys among us. It's natural for boys to experiment. In spite of religious taboos, it's part of boys' normal sexual development. The campaign against atheists was even more of an alien rite. No one in my troop gave a rip about religious affiliation or lack thereof. A random prayer service was available at jamborees, but attendance was voluntary. Who cared?

The invitation to girls is a "one-stop shopping" marketing ploy to some of today's parents, who don't like carting sons and daughters to separate locations. Ironically, the Girl Scouts see the new female "boy scouts" as an existential threat. They fear co-ed scouting will "privilege" the Boy Scouts and put the Girl Scouts, cookies and all, out of business.

However, camping will always be segregated by gender, and the male, adolescent, sex-crazed pyromania will live on. In order to enjoy their nefarious nature, boys really need a break from the girls. Teasing, joking about sex, and playing with fire at camp, while earning merit badges, forever links guys to the land. We imagine ourselves as new cowboys, sailors, soldiers, Indians, and even conquistadores. Hell, it's what makes us great men.

Photo credits:
Four Shirtless Scouts 1 -- Hikers at Art Loeb Trail, North Carolina;
Muscular Masturbator 2 -- Origin unknown;
Five Sitting Scouts 3 -- Origin unknown;
Couple in Black 4 -- Samantha (Elizabeth Montgomery) and
     Darrin (Dick York) in Bewitched (1964-72);
Naked Dude Sitting 5 -- "Bolivian Worker" by Marcus
     Zimmerman;
Scouts at Campfire 6 -- Origin unknown;
Painting 7 -- Boy Scouts Salute (1942) by Norman Rockwell;
Packing for Camping Trip 8 -- Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Troop 30
     in 1973.